Baby, you're a Firework!

So, since poking my head above the waves, and shaking the saltwater off my mane, the last few weeks have been a delicate balancing game, like I'm standing on my board in the midst of some nice waves. In between sets, I'm stretching upward, looking towards land when I shood be resting from the last waves.

Life's been good, but touchy. I've had to bail a few times and take some anxiety pills occasionally when the waves have just looked too dicey.

Last night was a firework! A glassy set of waves that caught me completely by suprise.

I talked with a relative who really gets me and doesn't judge me. Not that my family does, but she is special. I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time. Plus we discussed some new directions I've been exploring spiritually.

Literally, as I relayed the stories of the past 5 months to her, I could feel the energy building, as well as the anxiety.

Sidenote: The pot of Jasmine tea I'd just drank probably didn't help. But I've given up alcohol. Don't touch my beloved caffeine!

The wave was upon me. Some deep breathing, a little meditation, lighting a candle to focus the energy, and, gentle reader, I road that baby for all it was worth! A delightful, 2 hour conversation, worked more on a song I've been writing, played guitar on my stoop, and...

closeout.


A great ride. Not a tsunami like the summer. Just a clean, nice wave. Took a while to get to sleep, but hey, I've got nothing but time right now.

And nothing brings joy to the heart like a good wave, or a dark sky alluminated by

Fireworks!

Detoxicity and the Middle

I didn't realize how much of a hold alcohol had on my life until I had to give it up. I went years drinking regularly on my meds, and wondered why I wasn't seeing results. Now I've learned how much more powerful booze is than my pills, and how preciously fragile the Middle is.

It has a fancy name called Euthymia, or something like that.

But seeing as I love Jimmy Eat World, and their song The Middle, let's roll with that.

The Middle, going back to my cute little surfing metaphor, is like Waikiki in summer. Gentle, even sets of waves, slightly boring, but not glassy. People are with me in the lineup. Some light conversation can be had. People come in and out of my life without drama. Or at least I can deal with the drama now.

I don't have to force a smile, but it's not plastered on my face like a joker during mania, either.

Ripping booze from my life was like kicking out a big social crutch. I was left feeling like

"Now what?"

What do I do to be with people now? Am I fun without it?

The first month was hard. I actually was detoxing a bit, even though I don't get drunk. It was more of a social detox- that crutch I was talking about. What would I do without my beloved beer and my vast surplus knowledge thereof?

The fact remains I must love the Middle more. It's so fragile, so delicate. Mania, as fun as it is, is not my friend. Depression is my enemy. I need to associate the lows will immediately follow the highs in my life. It is, kind of like church taught me, a straight and narrow path.

So, after a month of intensive outpatient therapy that pulled me out of the lows, I am in the Middle.

Maybe slightly lower, but that's ok.

I'm going to a transitional program to help me stay here in the Middle. No booze since November 19. I have amazing friends that don't pressure me at all to drink. They have been so supportive! Leaving me so thankful.

"It just takes some time/little [boy] you're in the middle of the ride/everything, eveything will be just fine/everything, everything will be alright, alright."

Personal Case Study

Bipolarity: also known as Manic Depression, is a disorder where an individual, AKA me, lives his life moving back and forth between two extremes: Mania and Depression.

Seeing as this is the second blog I've created tonight, which pole is my ass swinging from?

I'm Jim. Musician, Educator, Concierge. Those are jobs.

However, after my 3rd complete life breakdown (not kidding), my ass spent time in Sheppard Pratt getting to know someone I completely hated...

Me

The first doctor suggested I was manic! Really? me? The guy who's talking way too fast and lost 60 lbs in 3 months.

couldn't be

The second doctor in outpatient therapy (I'd been off the Adderall for a few weeks now. slightly more patient) explained that Cycles of Mania and Depression can last weeks, months or years.

holy shit

At age 29, my life finally made sense.

FYI: I cuss when I think. Fucking TV

Literally all my emotional ups and downs fit neatly into several cycles.

And here they are:

1. Birth-3rd grade: not manic, but happy, innocent, fun kid

2. 4th-10th grade: Depressed.

3. 10th-Sophomore year of College: Manic

4. Bible College-1st year teaching: Depressed

5. 2004-2006: Manic

6. 2006-2008: Depressed

7. Dad dies, Marriage breaks up, car accident in same week: 2 months of sheer ID mania fuck the world, I'm taking no prisoners, MANIC

8. Quit Teaching: Depressed

9. New Special Ed job: MANIC

10: That Christmas, flat broke: Depressed

11. This summer, great job, good life, lots of possibilities.....MANIC!

And here we are.

32 years of life in 11 cycles. Granted, that is the cliff notes version of my life. It's a funny story, but I hate typing and reading fluff

I learned how to surf in San Diego and continued in Hawaii.

Bipolarity is so much like surfing it's scary.

Mania is like a 20 foot wave baring down hard on you. Paddle your ass off, and ride it out, take a breath and duck under, or get dragged down into the wash.

Depression is sitting on your board, alone, dreaming about that last wave.