About a month ago, I decided I could handle drinking again. First one beer, then another. Nothing extreme, but it became more regular. It came to a head two weeks ago when I got drunk for the first time since August. During that night, I had a fight with someone I cared about and put a knife into that relationship. My guilt and remorse over that mistake sent me to a strange place. It was like I was an insecure 8th grader again. Needy, depressed, jealous, obsessive thoughts. It was like I had lost all autonomy.
To keep from sinking deeper, I began meditating and through myself into a book about the life journey of becoming a "peaceful warrior". It was a story of lifestyle change, meditation, personal challenge. Without even realizing it, I began practicing mindfulness again. When thoughts would occur, they were acknowledging and my mind gently returned to center. I was becoming whole again.
Sunday, I had a peaceful morning. Walked the dog, made breakfast which I ate at my table, watched Austin City Limits and picked up my guitar for the first time in months. The service at my new church was good, but after church at coffee hour, was special. The church seemed to acknowledge and take an interest in me that hadn't happened the Sunday before. I had very deep conversations about life and faith and experience with several members, seemingly one right after the other. It was like they could feel I'd be hurting and were tending to my wounds.
I talked until the hour was over and people had either left or broken up into discussion groups. I asked someone for help and was led into a group called Spiritual Autobiography. Just me and 3 women, all from very different backgrounds. We shared stories of pain and enlightenment that seemed to fall on top of each other, ripe with synchronicity. The time flew by.
I left church with a fire burning in my chest. I'd been shown Love, Light and Enlightenment. And I was riding high off of it! Thankfully, I was aware. Mania was upon me. The wave was cresting, but I'd been paddling. I was on my feet.
I was smiling.
I felt very little pain that day. As a Leo, I'd be shown love and attention and was made to feel special. My mane was fluffed, my chest out. I purred.
For every up, there is a down. Monday some insecurities reappeared. I was in withdrawal from the emotional high of Sunday.
Let it go, let it flow. back to center. here and now
I have been wondering why I haven't found some work yet. I think I have more lessons to learn during this sabbatical.
I am seeking. Let me find.
Blessed be...
