Depression: the other shoe has dropped

So, using my surfing analogy, the waves have subsided, its  cloudy, all my friends have paddled in, and I'm alone. Very, very alone. Some might say "snap out of it" or "just paddle in to shore."

Therein lies the problem.

For the bipolar mind, there is no shore. There is no land. We know our board, the waves, and sometimes, ourselves. But remember: I've never really liked myself. I'm a lousy surfer, both in metaphor and reality.

And I absolutely hate being alone.

Especially when there are no waves.

Things I need when I'm depressed:

1. Love.  Hugs especially. I'm physical, touch oriented. A hug I dont have to ask for heals me more than any word.

2. Understanding.  Don't try and fix me. It makes it worse. I already feel broken. "Just walk beside me and be my friend."

3. Don't leave me alone. I don't need time to think about it or deal with it. I know how to deal with it. Hence this blog.

So, if you consider me a friend or loved one, hop on your board, and paddle into the storm. In its eye you'll find a lion: mane askew, on his longboard, licking his wounds.

I won't bite

Hope you'll stay awhile.

The problem with clarity

Clarity. Something that we all desire, but when you have it, shit happens. 

Quickly, and drastically.

I had to end a relationship due to clarity, and it sucked.

But I knew it was for the best.

For both of us.

And now, my life is simpler.

Still hard, but simpler.

Meds are working great.

Need to keep life simple.

And clear.

A Tsunami of Mania

So, I have been fully manic for almost 3 weeks now. Last Thursday, during a rain storm, I actually went psychotic. I thought I was the physical embodiment of the actual Aslan. I thought I was a real lion.

It was bad.

Thankfully, this stay impatient to regulate meds was short and effective. Now I'm on Lithium and Resprodal. And even though it seemed like the whole city of Baltimore was after me, I'm still here.

Granted, I'm in Frederick right now, but I'm still alive. I didn't break any laws, and I haven't spent all my money.

Score 1 for the Jimster!

I'm learning that, when manic, and especially when I'm angry during mania, I must slow myself down, and do one thing at a time.

Score 2!

Please know bipolar meds DO NOT cure my condition. They help me cope with my insane highs and deadly lows. They create homeostasis-- or at least help me attempt to stay even.

The psychosis I've experienced happened WHILE medicated.

I just have a new and more effective support system: Meds, Friends, Music, Art

These are my Anti-Drug

So to say.

Thanks for being patient with me.

Love Y'all