Requiem for a beverage.

I'm into my second week of a partial hospitalization program to help me deal with my illness. Yes, I called it an illness.

Maybe I've been listening to the staff too long, but I really want some normalcy back in my life. This last manic wave was too much. To use my surfing analogy again, I want a glassy sea with some.even sets of waves. Granted I don't want to be normal.

Normal is boring.

So during treatment, no booze. Zero. Zilch. Turns out alcohol and bipolarity make for a frothy mix of blech. Now if you know Jim, Jim hearts beer. I blame my friend Andy, but I love the variety, the flavors, the people who also love beer, everything about it.

And now I need to give it up for my own sanity.

Sad Jim. But being stuck in the dungeon of depression  with a few burning man bouts of mania is not life. It's a bad dream  
So goodbye my frothy friend. I'll miss thee.

Raising a glass of peach tea crystal light to a different, but hopefully better life.

A touch of the Divine

So there has been some further adjustments in my meds, which has been extremely helpful. Today I was very close to visiting a place that had proved quite harmful for me, but my mom's advice a few weeks ago echoed in my big ole head. "Just read even a Scripture or two a day, so you won't feel alone.
 
So I did.
 
Did my standard reading for the first time in a long time: 14th day of the month= psalm 14 and proverbs 14.
 
It was ok.
 
But when I skipped back to Psalm 13, it grabbed me by the throat:


1 Long enough, God-you've ignored me long enough. I've looked at the back of your head2 Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain. Long enough my arrogant enemies have looked down their noses at me.


3 Take a good look at me, God, my God; I want to look life in the eye,4 So no enemy can get the best of me or laugh when I fall on my face.


5 I've thrown myself headlong into your arms-I'm celebrating your rescue.6 I'm singing at the top of my lungs, I'm so full of answered prayers.


Copyright, The Message


I'm not quoting to be preachy. I hate preachy. But it's short, so deal with it.
David was sick of God ignoring him, in his view "Look me in the Face!" Which, sidebar, would equal death. just saying.
He falls on his face, then can celebrate his rescue. He is screaming praise, and has lots of prayers answered.
A few months back I tried going it alone and my life went to Hell in a handbasket. I got really selfish and thought being so would get me what I wanted.
Didn't think that one through too well.
I'm still pretty proud right now, so we'll see how long it gets me to get on my face. Hopefully sooner than later.
 
For now, I'm making better choices. And I'll take that.

Anxiety: my evil twin

Depression would be nice if it was just depression. However, when in a depressed cycle, I also have great bouts of specific and/or generalized anxiety. Some of it is rational, so isn't.

Once again, this isn't something I can just "snap" out of or "Get over."

I typically sleep much more during this cycle. Because, sometimes, being conscious can be too much for me. Today, however, I did what my therapist would have told me to do.

1. Woke up. Very important.

2. Walk/Feed animals. I have a kitten now. Probably should have thought that one through a bit more but Frankie is working out good.

3. Exercise. I typically enjoy swimming, but missed that window, so I bounced around from machine to machine, getting in some decent workout, plus the sauna/steam combo, which for me is sheer zen.

4. Food: Hot dog omlette. protein is crucial.

5. Since I'm not working right now, constructive use of time. Avoiding expensive things, since, well, Manic Jim blew the bank a bit. Which can be hard when one lacks motivation. My choice today: Red Emma's CoffeeHouse/Bookstore/Functional Collective. Love it here. Coffee's a Buck Fifty with 75 cent refills and good wifi. Collective members are typically up for conversation, which leads me to the final and most crucial point:

6. Don't be alone. I must conversate. I must be with people. Alone is bad. very bad. I'm a true extrovert. I draw my energy from others and give it back in beautiful ways (i.e. friendship, music, art, being really nice).

And one way I've found to not be alone is this blog. It's a chance to put myself out there, at my most vulnerable, and have found love and acceptance. Thanks for reading. Thanks more for caring. And Thanks in advance for not leaving me alone.

Love Y'all!

Time Apart

A change of scenery does me good.

Especially when it involves old friends, good fellowship, and, sadly, not being in Baltimore.

I really wish I could relax more in Bmore, but there is a crazy, dark vibe in the city that keeps me perpetually on edge.

And I'm not the only one who notices.

But here in Minnesota, which still isn't Detroit, my home, I feel rejuvenated on this, the very first day.

Don't be mad, Baltimore. It's not you, it's me.

And you. Sorta

Even some momentary anxiety on the plane wasn't bad.

So, loved ones, Jim has found a nice den with dear friends to lick his wounds.

And while I know you all love me in your own ways, and know I love you for it...


This Lion must sleep.

And he will.

Tonight.

Depression: the other shoe has dropped

So, using my surfing analogy, the waves have subsided, its  cloudy, all my friends have paddled in, and I'm alone. Very, very alone. Some might say "snap out of it" or "just paddle in to shore."

Therein lies the problem.

For the bipolar mind, there is no shore. There is no land. We know our board, the waves, and sometimes, ourselves. But remember: I've never really liked myself. I'm a lousy surfer, both in metaphor and reality.

And I absolutely hate being alone.

Especially when there are no waves.

Things I need when I'm depressed:

1. Love.  Hugs especially. I'm physical, touch oriented. A hug I dont have to ask for heals me more than any word.

2. Understanding.  Don't try and fix me. It makes it worse. I already feel broken. "Just walk beside me and be my friend."

3. Don't leave me alone. I don't need time to think about it or deal with it. I know how to deal with it. Hence this blog.

So, if you consider me a friend or loved one, hop on your board, and paddle into the storm. In its eye you'll find a lion: mane askew, on his longboard, licking his wounds.

I won't bite

Hope you'll stay awhile.

The problem with clarity

Clarity. Something that we all desire, but when you have it, shit happens. 

Quickly, and drastically.

I had to end a relationship due to clarity, and it sucked.

But I knew it was for the best.

For both of us.

And now, my life is simpler.

Still hard, but simpler.

Meds are working great.

Need to keep life simple.

And clear.

A Tsunami of Mania

So, I have been fully manic for almost 3 weeks now. Last Thursday, during a rain storm, I actually went psychotic. I thought I was the physical embodiment of the actual Aslan. I thought I was a real lion.

It was bad.

Thankfully, this stay impatient to regulate meds was short and effective. Now I'm on Lithium and Resprodal. And even though it seemed like the whole city of Baltimore was after me, I'm still here.

Granted, I'm in Frederick right now, but I'm still alive. I didn't break any laws, and I haven't spent all my money.

Score 1 for the Jimster!

I'm learning that, when manic, and especially when I'm angry during mania, I must slow myself down, and do one thing at a time.

Score 2!

Please know bipolar meds DO NOT cure my condition. They help me cope with my insane highs and deadly lows. They create homeostasis-- or at least help me attempt to stay even.

The psychosis I've experienced happened WHILE medicated.

I just have a new and more effective support system: Meds, Friends, Music, Art

These are my Anti-Drug

So to say.

Thanks for being patient with me.

Love Y'all

Personal Case Study

Bipolarity: also known as Manic Depression, is a disorder where an individual, AKA me, lives his life moving back and forth between two extremes: Mania and Depression.

Seeing as this is the second blog I've created tonight, which pole is my ass swinging from?

I'm Jim. Musician, Educator, Concierge. Those are jobs.

However, after my 3rd complete life breakdown (not kidding), my ass spent time in Sheppard Pratt getting to know someone I completely hated...

Me

The first doctor suggested I was manic! Really? me? The guy who's talking way too fast and lost 60 lbs in 3 months.

couldn't be

The second doctor in outpatient therapy (I'd been off the Adderall for a few weeks now. slightly more patient) explained that Cycles of Mania and Depression can last weeks, months or years.

holy shit

At age 29, my life finally made sense.

FYI: I cuss when I think. Fucking TV

Literally all my emotional ups and downs fit neatly into several cycles.

And here they are:

1. Birth-3rd grade: not manic, but happy, innocent, fun kid

2. 4th-10th grade: Depressed.

3. 10th-Sophomore year of College: Manic

4. Bible College-1st year teaching: Depressed

5. 2004-2006: Manic

6. 2006-2008: Depressed

7. Dad dies, Marriage breaks up, car accident in same week: 2 months of sheer ID mania fuck the world, I'm taking no prisoners, MANIC

8. Quit Teaching: Depressed

9. New Special Ed job: MANIC

10: That Christmas, flat broke: Depressed

11. This summer, great job, good life, lots of possibilities.....MANIC!

And here we are.

32 years of life in 11 cycles. Granted, that is the cliff notes version of my life. It's a funny story, but I hate typing and reading fluff

I learned how to surf in San Diego and continued in Hawaii.

Bipolarity is so much like surfing it's scary.

Mania is like a 20 foot wave baring down hard on you. Paddle your ass off, and ride it out, take a breath and duck under, or get dragged down into the wash.

Depression is sitting on your board, alone, dreaming about that last wave.