Success as a Trigger

When someone with Bipolar disorder goes through therapy, a standard portion involves identifying triggers.  A trigger can be basically any Noun (person, place, thing), Emotion (fear, anger, sadness, guilt) or External Stimuli that pushes you toward Mania or Depression. Now in the past, I'd say a trigger Causes the cycle, and for many it does, including myself.  A boy in 4th grade made fun of me once, and it sent me into a depression I didn't escape until high school.  An unidentified trigger is as potent as one on a gun-- sometimes just as fatal.  Identifying your personal triggers can keep you euthymic (in the middle) by allowing you to step outside the emotion, observe it, and let it past (the practice of mindfulness).

With all the self work I've been doing the last 10 months, I was very surprised to find out that Success is one of my triggers toward mania. I've always been very skeptical of the "fear of success."  Why would someone be scared to succeed? How can winning be bad?

Seriously?

Now with the advantage of lucid hindsight, I see that times when I've performed well have given me jolts of adrenaline that have cycled me up towards mania. In 2008, a great performance by my band after a hellish first semester teaching sent me reeling. On the trip back to MI I scribbled frantically in my notebook a vision of the great Band Corps I described last post. That success built up a tremendous amount of Kinetic energy that broke open like a dam when Dad died, shooting me into a completely different persona: Jim the Triumphant.  Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes I was unfettered, ablaze with confidence and clarity.  There was no weakness, no excuses.  Anyone who dared cross me was met by a "Man of Action." Thankfully I wasn't pushed to act, but I now see how those who possess such inner confidence don't have to act.  Their words are powerful enough.

This past summer it was a series of successes.  First I was able to continue working at my current position in a different role over the summer, releasing the stress of finding summer work.

Bump.

At this office job, I was given a variety of different tasks that I completed accurately and quickly, earning me praise from my supervisor.

Bump.(spinning)

I was then given a great task with more responsibility, and succeeded there.

Bump. (adding fuel)

Finally I was recommended for an interview to do this job permanently.  I aced the first interview,

Bump. (Tank is full and teetering)



*----------Earthquake-------*

Bump.  Tank is tipped over. Spark ignites fuel.


*Explosion*


And I've finally picked up the pieces from that explosion 10 months later.


So now what?


My life is in order.  I'm working again.  Euthymic.  Good relationship.  Great friends.



Set up for success.



....And I'm cautious.


Even at this summer job, the success I've had has given me small bumps of hypomania (small highs).  But now I'm much more mindful, self-aware, vigilant.

This time I'm ready.

This isn't the tossed about by the winds and the waves Jim of the past.  There is a grounding, a root that now anchors me to Mother Earth.  I have a growing confidence that God has created a good thing in me.  He has given me the qualities and tools to grow strong and to walk my own path. I have great examples to follow, but my steps and direction are my own. My family and friends love and support me, and want the best for me.

I am Blessed,
I am Ready.

Dear Life, This is Jim.

The rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated

If you only knew what I was gonna be/After the storm, you wouldn't have even bothered me.
-Tye Tribbett, "I want it all back"

Here I come.

Bring It!