"Grimm", Coins, and the Hero Complex

I was watching a rerun of Grimm earlier this week that damn near gave me a flashback to last August.   This episode centered around the mythic coins of Zakynthos.  Whoever possesses these coins gained a charismatic influence over people and experienced delusions of grandeur.  The Captain of the police force acquired them, looked out his window, and saw throngs of people shouting his name, and waving banners.  Whenever the coins are taken away, the person is left pining for them, like a junkie yearning for his next fix.

Now, I've had enough time this year to do some serious introspection and it could be that I saw the original airing of this episode while manic, and it fused into my own delusion.

 I am very impressionable.

But it's pretty well documented that Manics experience the Hero complex: an overwhelming feeling that you Can and Should fix the problems around you, even those on a macro level.  You feel like a Crusader: commissioned by God or a Divine Power to right the wrongs of the world.

I've experienced this twice.  During my first hyper-manic episode in 2009, I tried to fix all the problems in the school I was working at.  I helped fix computers and cleaned out a classroom filled, literally, with junk to get my classes out of the auditorium.  I also tried transforming my small but successful band into a militaristic "Band Corps" that, of course, failed miserably.

One day I even dressed in fatigues to kick off the project.

Yeah.  Yikes.

This past summer the mania took the form of royalty.  I felt that I was the reincarnation of Aslan, but not from Narnia.  I thought that C. S. Lewis wasn't referenced Christ through his character, but me.  The spirit I was channeling was as old as God Almighty Himself: Ancient, and Pissed Off.  The earthquake we experienced on the East Coast had awakened me, an I was angry that Jehovah had left this King without his royal fittings. I began buying jewelry, dressing in suits.  My foot hurt and felt dislodged (a Jacob-esque wound from wrestling with God), so I walked with a cane.

Sidenote: I know this is a bit much, but this was my life during August.

Now, though the manifestation was extreme, some of the root feeling were grounded in reality.  For the first time in my 32 years, I allowed myself to be angry with God.  My life has been very hard since moving to Baltimore.  I've lost my Dad, a career, a marriage, 2 cars, and several friends I love quit talking to me.  From my perspective, I had followed God faithfully, and was being punished for no good reason.

Passive/Depressed Jim made a life of absorbing his own hurt and that of those around him. He assumed  he was ALWAYS the problem in a situation, and bore the burdens of others, even to his own detriment.  I wasn't a servant of God.  I was a Slave.

But then, when life fell apart, a new strength rose within me.  The Lion was loosed.  I roared for the first time.  My words had weight to them.  I walked tall.  I was no longer a victim of circumstance.

Aslan roared to the defense of Passive Jim.

I became Master of my Domain.

And it was intoxicating.

But then the ride was over.  My coins were taken from me.  And much like the those who held the Coins of Zakynthos, I was mortal again, left weak and wanting.  Like those who held the Ring in Tolkien's books, I only wished to hold it once more.  Because in both stories, the charms are cursed.  The Coins contain arsenic.  The ring was. well, you know...

And mania has left me broken and hospitalized twice.

So, how does one walk the path of everyday life, when you've raised your arms on the mountaintop and crawled out of the pits in the valley?

Perspective.

I remember the bad parts of mania, and how a ride up the hill MUST come down below, equal and opposite.  You cannot have one without the other.

The Bible says "be angry and sin not."  I'm still working on this one.  While I don't look it, I am a very angry person, similar to Adam Sandler's character in "Anger Management."  I'm still looking for the healthy ways to let angry out without being explosive, but more so without turning it inward.

I kept tokens of strength.  You only have to add an S to my middle to get Aslan.  And, yes, I can take this whole Lion metaphor a bit far sometimes, but it's a reminder that, Yes, there is strength within me, even if I can't feel it.  That I can walk tall, because there is Honor and Nobility within me.  I can carry myself with a bit of swagger, because I have weight to my personal deeds.


I can Roar, but I don't need to.



~Thanks for reading~

Mood Management

Our decisions shape us. My biological makeup contributed to my rise and fall in August, but it was my decisions that had the repercussions.

About a month ago, I decided I could handle drinking again. First one beer, then another. Nothing extreme, but it became more regular. It came to a head two weeks ago when I got drunk for the first time since August. During that night, I had a fight with someone I cared about and put a knife into that relationship. My guilt and remorse over that mistake sent me to a strange place. It was like I was an insecure 8th grader again. Needy, depressed, jealous, obsessive thoughts. It was like I had lost all autonomy.

To keep from sinking deeper, I began meditating and through myself into a book about the life journey of becoming a "peaceful warrior". It was a story of lifestyle change, meditation, personal challenge. Without even realizing it, I began practicing mindfulness again. When thoughts would occur, they were acknowledging and my mind gently returned to center. I was becoming whole again.

Sunday, I had a peaceful morning. Walked the dog, made breakfast which I ate at my table, watched Austin City Limits and picked up my guitar for the first time in months. The service at my new church was good, but after church at coffee hour, was special. The church seemed to acknowledge and take an interest in me that hadn't happened the Sunday before. I had very deep conversations about life and faith and experience with several members, seemingly one right after the other. It was like they could feel I'd be hurting and were tending to my wounds.

I talked until the hour was over and people had either left or broken up into discussion groups. I asked someone for help and was led into a group called Spiritual Autobiography. Just me and 3 women, all from very different backgrounds. We shared stories of pain and enlightenment that seemed to fall on top of each other, ripe with synchronicity. The time flew by.

I left church with a fire burning in my chest. I'd been shown Love, Light and Enlightenment. And I was riding high off of it! Thankfully, I was aware. Mania was upon me. The wave was cresting, but I'd been paddling. I was on my feet.

I was smiling.

I felt very little pain that day. As a Leo, I'd be shown love and attention and was made to feel special. My mane was fluffed, my chest out. I purred.

For every up, there is a down. Monday some insecurities reappeared. I was in withdrawal from the emotional high of Sunday.

Let it go, let it flow. back to center. here and now

I have been wondering why I haven't found some work yet. I think I have more lessons to learn during this sabbatical.

I am seeking. Let me find.

Blessed be...

Baby, you're a Firework!

So, since poking my head above the waves, and shaking the saltwater off my mane, the last few weeks have been a delicate balancing game, like I'm standing on my board in the midst of some nice waves. In between sets, I'm stretching upward, looking towards land when I shood be resting from the last waves.

Life's been good, but touchy. I've had to bail a few times and take some anxiety pills occasionally when the waves have just looked too dicey.

Last night was a firework! A glassy set of waves that caught me completely by suprise.

I talked with a relative who really gets me and doesn't judge me. Not that my family does, but she is special. I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time. Plus we discussed some new directions I've been exploring spiritually.

Literally, as I relayed the stories of the past 5 months to her, I could feel the energy building, as well as the anxiety.

Sidenote: The pot of Jasmine tea I'd just drank probably didn't help. But I've given up alcohol. Don't touch my beloved caffeine!

The wave was upon me. Some deep breathing, a little meditation, lighting a candle to focus the energy, and, gentle reader, I road that baby for all it was worth! A delightful, 2 hour conversation, worked more on a song I've been writing, played guitar on my stoop, and...

closeout.


A great ride. Not a tsunami like the summer. Just a clean, nice wave. Took a while to get to sleep, but hey, I've got nothing but time right now.

And nothing brings joy to the heart like a good wave, or a dark sky alluminated by

Fireworks!

head above water

It was like I woke up from a long, gray dream.

I really can't explain what made today different. I dropped my tree-injured car off at the body shop and had a long walk home, contemplating being a pedestrian for a month.

Made corn beef hash and eggs

visited my clubhouse, but didn't stay long.

Jim Rome and Nap.

It was 55 degrees in Baltimore today, so I took my pipe, Chelsea Handler book and Pomeranian to the park.

Smoked and read for an hour and a half!

walked 5 blocks to purchase a 25 lb bag of rice and huffed it home.

talked to Mom while cooking a fabulous dinner.

This is the first time I've felt "normal" since late July! I have a decent feeling of motivation, cleaned a bit today.

It may be seasonal affective. Froze my butt off Sunday at the Ravens, laid low on MLK. It could be the warmer weather simply brightened my mood.

I'm not running away with this. Mania kills. But I will enjoy this small victory of normalcy.

tomorrow is not now.

and today rocks!

Detoxicity and the Middle

I didn't realize how much of a hold alcohol had on my life until I had to give it up. I went years drinking regularly on my meds, and wondered why I wasn't seeing results. Now I've learned how much more powerful booze is than my pills, and how preciously fragile the Middle is.

It has a fancy name called Euthymia, or something like that.

But seeing as I love Jimmy Eat World, and their song The Middle, let's roll with that.

The Middle, going back to my cute little surfing metaphor, is like Waikiki in summer. Gentle, even sets of waves, slightly boring, but not glassy. People are with me in the lineup. Some light conversation can be had. People come in and out of my life without drama. Or at least I can deal with the drama now.

I don't have to force a smile, but it's not plastered on my face like a joker during mania, either.

Ripping booze from my life was like kicking out a big social crutch. I was left feeling like

"Now what?"

What do I do to be with people now? Am I fun without it?

The first month was hard. I actually was detoxing a bit, even though I don't get drunk. It was more of a social detox- that crutch I was talking about. What would I do without my beloved beer and my vast surplus knowledge thereof?

The fact remains I must love the Middle more. It's so fragile, so delicate. Mania, as fun as it is, is not my friend. Depression is my enemy. I need to associate the lows will immediately follow the highs in my life. It is, kind of like church taught me, a straight and narrow path.

So, after a month of intensive outpatient therapy that pulled me out of the lows, I am in the Middle.

Maybe slightly lower, but that's ok.

I'm going to a transitional program to help me stay here in the Middle. No booze since November 19. I have amazing friends that don't pressure me at all to drink. They have been so supportive! Leaving me so thankful.

"It just takes some time/little [boy] you're in the middle of the ride/everything, eveything will be just fine/everything, everything will be alright, alright."

Requiem for a beverage.

I'm into my second week of a partial hospitalization program to help me deal with my illness. Yes, I called it an illness.

Maybe I've been listening to the staff too long, but I really want some normalcy back in my life. This last manic wave was too much. To use my surfing analogy again, I want a glassy sea with some.even sets of waves. Granted I don't want to be normal.

Normal is boring.

So during treatment, no booze. Zero. Zilch. Turns out alcohol and bipolarity make for a frothy mix of blech. Now if you know Jim, Jim hearts beer. I blame my friend Andy, but I love the variety, the flavors, the people who also love beer, everything about it.

And now I need to give it up for my own sanity.

Sad Jim. But being stuck in the dungeon of depression  with a few burning man bouts of mania is not life. It's a bad dream  
So goodbye my frothy friend. I'll miss thee.

Raising a glass of peach tea crystal light to a different, but hopefully better life.

A touch of the Divine

So there has been some further adjustments in my meds, which has been extremely helpful. Today I was very close to visiting a place that had proved quite harmful for me, but my mom's advice a few weeks ago echoed in my big ole head. "Just read even a Scripture or two a day, so you won't feel alone.
 
So I did.
 
Did my standard reading for the first time in a long time: 14th day of the month= psalm 14 and proverbs 14.
 
It was ok.
 
But when I skipped back to Psalm 13, it grabbed me by the throat:


1 Long enough, God-you've ignored me long enough. I've looked at the back of your head2 Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain. Long enough my arrogant enemies have looked down their noses at me.


3 Take a good look at me, God, my God; I want to look life in the eye,4 So no enemy can get the best of me or laugh when I fall on my face.


5 I've thrown myself headlong into your arms-I'm celebrating your rescue.6 I'm singing at the top of my lungs, I'm so full of answered prayers.


Copyright, The Message


I'm not quoting to be preachy. I hate preachy. But it's short, so deal with it.
David was sick of God ignoring him, in his view "Look me in the Face!" Which, sidebar, would equal death. just saying.
He falls on his face, then can celebrate his rescue. He is screaming praise, and has lots of prayers answered.
A few months back I tried going it alone and my life went to Hell in a handbasket. I got really selfish and thought being so would get me what I wanted.
Didn't think that one through too well.
I'm still pretty proud right now, so we'll see how long it gets me to get on my face. Hopefully sooner than later.
 
For now, I'm making better choices. And I'll take that.